As my “About Me” states, I’m an English Language/Literature major at the University of Maryland… I have plans to go into graduate school next fall. The other day I was looking for jobs at big time universities across the country, just to get a sense of what the job market is current like.

I nearly fell into hysterics.

You see, the job market for someone coming out of graduate school with a PhD in English (with the intent to teach at a college level) isn’t the best. To be quite frank, it’s terrible. There are a ton of reasons that that’s the case. People are staying in their positions longer as opposed to retiring; people are flooding out of graduate schools every year, giving employers a larger pool to select from; schools just don’t have open positions. Whatever the reason, the lack of available jobs is something that all college graduates have to address, but especially those that plan to invest more money into their career preparation.

But it’s hard to tell myself that I need to come up with a new plan because this one could turn into an epic disaster. There’s a feeling that I get in my chest when I talk or think about going to graduate school: it’s one of absolute elation. I cannot WAIT to really dig into my field, to discover things that I never thought about, and to debate texts with people that are just as interested in literature as I am. I want to be able to write about something in an authoritative way and to know that what I’m saying makes sense or is breaking some sort of ground. I want to be able to feel like I’m making a difference and doing right by myself.

Because, you know, I could have gone to law school as I had originally intended. I could still go to law school if I was that worried about the job market after graduate school. But I wouldn’t be doing right by myself: I would be denying myself the one thing that excites me… the one thing I feel like I can really KNOW. And you only live once. Screw getting a job.

I can’t guarantee that the job market is going to fix itself overnight or that by the time I get out of graduate school, my dream school will be hiring someone to teach Victorian literature. But I can work towards becoming the best candidate for a job after I graduate from school. While this technique cannot guarantee that there is a position available, it makes it more likely that I am going to find something based on my performance.

So… I guess that’s the moral of the story, if there is one.

The Penguin Edition of Our Mutual Friend, my edition

Last semester, I was assigned Our Mutual Friend in my Nineteenth Century English Novel course. I didn’t finish the book while I was in the class (because it’s over 800 pages long), but I made it my mission to finish the book over winter break.

One of the biggest things that really stuck out to me was the amount of death that is present in the novel. Outside of the obvious fact that several characters physically die in the text, there is a feeling of death that pervades the novel, almost controlling the people within the text.

I’m struggling with a way to really discuss this without giving away any major details, and because I don’t believe in ruining plot lines, I’ll attempt to be vague.

One of the central characters experiences a true mental crisis, debating the merits of life and death, giving the reader a discussion of the improvements death has made in his life.

Dead, I have found the true friends of my lifetime still as true as tender and as faithful as when I was alive, and making my memory an incentive to good actions done in my name. Dead, I have found them when they might have slighted my name, and passed greedily over my grave to ease and wealth, lingering by the way, like single-hearted children, to recall their love for me when I was a poor frightened child. Dead, I have heard from the woman who would have been my wife if I had lived, the revolting truth that I should have purchased her, caring nothing for me, as a Sultan buys a slave — Our Mutual Friend, p. 429 (Penguin Edition)

In retracing the events leading up to his death, he struggles with figuring out how it all actually came to fruition. He is unable to fully connect to the past, leaving him in the dark, unable to determine what has actually happened to him.

The discussion is one of the most haunting that I’ve ever read in a text thus far. The idea that this particular character is unable to remember the things that have happened to him, that he has to assume other identities and essentially kill off his original personality, and that he must struggle with a deep sense of confusion while maintaining this facade hits deep.

Imagine something for a moment: everyone you know, everyone in the city you live in, everyone in the country believes you to be dead. You can’t announce to everyone that you haven’t died because they truly believe they found your body in the Thames. What do you do? I think that this character handled it all relatively well.

Outside of this incident, there’s a general sense of death infecting the novel. When Jenny Wren and Lizze Hexam talk about how they want to “go up and be dead”, readers get a strange feeling in their gut: this isn’t a game that people can play and Wren seems to be treating it as such. The London Fog, the Thames seem to be bringing death into the city. The Fog infects the people living in the country, slowly picking away at their health. The Thames is a body farm, enabling poor people to harvest them for a bit of money.

The amount of death in Our Mutual Friend is initially shocking: we are not accustomed to discussing death in such a detailed manner. I think that Dickens understands this and forces the reader to face the reality of all of our lives. Needless to say, I think he does so in a masterful way, bringing the reader into the story and still reminding him/her of the mortality we all possess.

The Patna was taking Pilgrims to worship the holy shrine (I believe it was a Muslim shrine) when the ship hit rock. After determining that the ship was most likely going to go down, Jim and the other crew members snuck out of the boat into a life boat, not bothering to wake the passengers to alert them to what was happening.

The Costa Concordia is a cruise ship that was taking passengers on a Mediterranean cruise. When the captain drove the ship too close to land, the ship hit rock and began to sink. The crew announced that the ship was having electrical problems and then proceeded to get into a life boat, leaving the passengers to fend for themselves.

Events after the accident are similar as well. Though Jim wasn’t the captain of the Patna, he was seen as the most responsible member on the ship. After the ship was discovered, Jim was brought up on legal charges for abandoning ship. Jim was absolutely black-balled and was forced to leave the modern world all together.

While we have yet to see what will happen to the captain of the Costa Concordia, a few things are set in stone: he has been brought up on legal charges and he will most likely never captain a ship again.

I always find it amazingly interesting when events in real life resemble those in fiction. I feel like I already know how things in real life are going to work out when I have encountered a similar event in a novel, the knowledge affording me the opportunity to prepare for any potential fall out.

Recognizing an event as something that’s right out of a novel seems to be the mark of a reader. I constantly find myself comparing real life events to things that I have seen in books, sometimes hoping that things work out in the way they did in the novel, sometimes praying that they don’t.

I think that this inclusion of novels in our personal lives suggests that the novel is something that has become truly central to a reader’s life. The lessons we learn, the ideas that we take away all become things that we use in our own lives. I would argue that without books, no person would be the person that he or she is today.

To wrap it up: I know that it’s too late now, but if the Costa Concordia captain had read Lord Jim, I bet he wouldn’t be in this mess right now.

Related articles

• Incredible tales surface from Costa Concordia cruise ship disaster (news.nationalpost.com)
• Costa Concordia Ship Captain Claims He Tripped and Fell Into Lifeboat (shoppingblog.com)
• Costa Concordia: what made the captain panic? (oyiabrown.wordpress.com)

I have been struggling with this very question for a long time: I spent my childhood reading paper books and I wasn’t the most receptive when the electronic readers started becoming widely available a few years ago. I was a fan (and still am) of the paper book. I’m a Romantic at heart: I love the feeling of a paper book in my hands, the way a book smells (whether it’s fresh off the printer or has been sitting in a used book store for 50 years), I love being able to take little notes in the margin as I go along (yes, I do that). I just never thought that I would be able to get that experience from an electronic reader and, as a result, I was staunchly against them.

This Christmas however, my dad got me me a Nook Color. He was unsure about the gift because I had expressed negative sentiments towards electronic readers in the past. But honestly, I’m loving the Nook.

Though I don’t get the delight of holding a physical book (nor do I get the smell) I have come to enjoy the convenience that an electronic reader presents to me. Being an avid reader of large novels (ie Dickens, Eliot, etc) I had a difficult time always having the room in my bag to truck around one of their novels. With my Nook, I can just stash it in my purse and it’s no bigger than my day timer.

I also love that I can take notes in the ‘margin’ of my Nook. I am the type of reader that THINKS while going through the text. I am trying to break down what the author is doing, trying to figure out where he/she is going to take the narrative… my notes are essential to me. So how have I managed to move my notes from my Nook to my paper copies? I copy my notes into my paper copy as I go along. I know this might seem incredibly obsessive (and I assure you, it is) but I know that these notes are going to come in handy some day.

So what have I ultimately decided to do about my newfound love for the Nook? Well, I am going to test drive books on my Nook. I am going to purchase cheap/free versions of books on my electronic reader before buying the paper copy. If I enjoy the book, I am going to buy a paper copy. If not, it’s just going to gather virtual dust in my imaginary library.

At the end of the day, I will always be that hopelessly dorky girl that needs to have a ridiculous library in order to feel complete. Though paper books are going to fill this future library, my Nook electronic reader might save me a little money (and a little shoulder pain) along the way.

Have any thoughts about e-readers? Share in the comments!

Related articles

• Replace Paper Books with E-Readers! (itrendmadison.wordpress.com)

And that really got me thinking about the New Year’s Resolution, what it means to me, and why so many people make them.

Obviously people make resolutions because they have things about them they don’t like and believe they can fix them. Whether it be their expanding waistlines, their tempers, whatever, people strive to improve themselves in the beginning of each new year.

But why is it so hard? The changes that people try to make are often too vast, too unrealistic, or present some other barrier that makes them inaccessible. Things like “lose 50 pounds by May” or “go to the gym every morning” are often too big and can intimidate someone, forcing them to give up on their goal. Some goals are too vague: “exercise more”. Goals like these don’t provide you with a sense of structure, something humans need to achieve their goals.

If you’re making NYRs, I suggest making them specific enough to give an idea of what you want to achieve but not so specific that you set up a structure that is too rigid.

So what are my resolutions this year?

1. Drink 2 water bottles (64oz) of water per day. I have a 32oz water bottle that I can fill up and carry around with me all day.

2. Go to the gym at least three times a week. The gym has a daycare for Emmet so there are so excuses.

3. Work each day to continue my academic success and strive to be the best version of myself. This is a bit vague, but ultimately, I want to ensure that I give my best every day. With my third job starting tomorrow, school starting in three weeks, and two huge grad school exams to study for, I have to put myself in a position to succeed. No one else can do that but me.

I’m confident that I’m going to succeed in my goals. I have plenty of support (from both Josh and my friends/family) and I plan on writing about any stresses or failures to examine how I’m doing.

Are you making NYRs? What are they?

Tracing Jim throughout the novel, really watching him go through all the suffering that he puts himself through is absolutely maddening. Part of me wants to believe that he could have avoided his suffering… if he had just acted differently, thought differently, WAS DIFFERENT he could have avoided all this trauma. But then he wouldn’t be Jim. He wouldn’t ‘grow’ to be Tuan Jim… who would he be?

And I think that’s a crucial message to get out of this book. The way that you act, the way that you think, the way you are defines your identity. If you change even one of those things, you are a different person… you are no longer yourself. In a way, Jim’s fate, your fate, was sealed at the beginning of the novel. Jim would never be able to act in the way that was required of him, he would never be able to make the brave decision, the right decision… his brain and his body are physically incapable.

This brings up the question of a divine plan v. human freedom. Do we truly have the freedom to choose how we are going to live our lives, how things are going to happen to us, what the results of our actions would be?

I would say that Lord Jim argues that there is a strong, if not unbreakable, connection between an individual’s personality and their life events… or at least in the unfolding of these events. Had Jim been able to stay on the Patna, he would never have had to run away from modern civilization. His cowardice and inability to act in stressful situations forced him to follow the crew of the Patna and stick with them, despite immediately regretting his decision. The idea to run off to Patusan struck Jim as one that would be incredibly Romantic, allowing him to start his life over and provide him with all the admiration that he always expected for himself.

If I met Jim today, I’m not sure what I’d say to him. Maybe I’d reprimand him for jumping off the Patna, calmly (but angrily) telling him that if he’d just stayed on that DAMN SHIP none of this would have happened. Maybe I’d try and break him of the Romanticism that completely rules his life… I don’t know.

And I wonder who Jim would be today… what stereotype he would fit. I honestly cannot think of one off the top of my head. But I do think that we have a little bit of Jim’s personality in all of us. Sometimes, under the pressure, the heat of the moment we become terrified and hesitate. Oftentimes we overcome our hesitation, but what if we didn’t? And I know that it’s easy to point the finger at Jim’s reprehensible behavior… but honestly… what would you do if you thought your ship was sinking? I can tell you one thing: I’d probably be jumping off that boat too.

Anyway, I urge anyone who is even remotely interested to grab a copy of Lord Jim the moment they get the chance. Conrad’s style takes a little getting used to but I find the approach to be interesting and attention grabbing. If you do decide to pick it up, let me know what you thought…

Have a great new year, everyone!

As for me, I had a fantastic holiday weekend with my family. Emmet and I were with my mother’s family on Christmas Eve and spent most of Christmas Day with my father’s family. Though I was dragging Emmet all around Baltimore, he didn’t seem to mind. He loved getting to see so many people and have so many people talk to him. He was jumping and laughing all day. Surprisingly, he was more interested in the presents than I thought that he would be. At five months, I thought that I would be opening all his presents for him and he wouldn’t be paying a lick of attention. Shockingly, he helped me open a few and he demanded that I remove a few from their packaging immediately so that I could play with them. It was so adorable I almost couldn’t stand it.

After we opened all our presents at my mom’s house, we laid Emmet in the paper and let him kick around. He absolutely loved it!

If you’re willing, share your holiday stories with me… I’d love to hear them!

I mentioned in the last post that my 19th Century British Lit class spent a good chuck of our last lecture talking about our future as English majors. That conversation got me thinking about my future and reaffirmed the fact that I am very excited about where I’m headed. Though I’m nervous about taking my GRE and beginning to apply to PhD programs, I honestly couldn’t be happier with my plan.

But one day not too long ago, Josh and I were talking about my future plans: where I wanted to go to school, how I was going to afford to live while I was in school… things like that. And he asked me a question that actually took me a minute to answer: “How are you going to change the world with English?”

I guess it’s important to know that I’ve been obsessed with making a difference. All throughout high school and college I’ve volunteered with organizations hoping that I could make just a small change in the world. When I was planning on going to medical school (what a change) I thought a lot about working with organizations like Doctors Without Borders, going to remote places, and helping to make a difference in the health of the world’s people.

But now that I’ve truly re-discovered my passion (more on that in a later post) I had to reassess my contribution to society.

A lot of people take for granted the ability to read. As literate individuals, we forget that the ability to read truly is a gift. Being able to read opens doors, opens eyes, opens minds, and opens hearts… and far too many people in the world are unable to partake in this truly amazing experience. So how am I going to change the world? By helping people read and giving them the books to read.

The kids and me at the Los Flores build site

I went to Honduras this past January and I was a part in building a school in Los Flores. The children that would attend the school, their parents, and other people from the village all came to help us build the future for their children. Listening to the kids talk about how excited they were to go to school and how much they wanted to learn was truly inspiring and probably the first moment that I realized how truly gifted we are as a first world nation where the ability to go to school is a right not a privilege.

My experience in Honduras was one of the most emotional experiences of my life and I learned more about myself during that week than I have during almost any other. The children were amazingly happy, constantly chattering about how excited they were to be able to go to class on a more regular schedule… how excited they were to learn. And at the end of the day, I want to recreate that experience for other people all over the world.

So to answer Josh’s question, I am going to give the ability to read to the people of the world. I want to be a part of helping construct schools for children and adult literacy centers for their parents. I want to help establish libraries and help stock said libraries with texts from all over the world. I want to show others the joy that I’ve found in literature.

I have always been interested in trying to change the world. I feel like there’s a way to fix the problems that plague the world and I want to be a small part in implementing them. All that I can do is continue to try my hardest every day and work just a bit to improve someone else’s life as often as I can. And I intend to do just that.

Last night before I put him to bed, as I do every night, I read him a book from his book shelf. Some of the books on the shelf are new but most of them are treasured favorites from my childhood. He’s only four months old but he already loves to read with me. He sits in my lap and watches my mouth while I read and then will turn and ‘study’ the picture once I’ve finished. It’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen.

And while this would ordinarily be amazing, I think that it is even more wonderful in that I’m reading him books that I used to love as a child. We read Can’t You Sleep Little Bear? every night, Big Bear and Little Bear becoming a part of our lives just as they became a part of my/my parents lives. We still roll around the bedroom in The Little Green Dragon Steps Out and laugh at the last picture of the book: the Little Green Dragon sitting back in his book with all his treasures. Sometimes we even get a little educational and read The Smallest Stegosaurus a book about a small stegosaurus trying to survive in the world of dinosaurs.

There’s something different and wonderful about reconnecting with my favorite characters as a mom. I’m able to watch the joy in Emmet’s eyes when we read about the Little Green Dragon and his treasure hunting; I can see Emmet’s eyes droop while we read about Little Bear’s fear of the dark and seemingly unending request for new lanterns. Looking at my son listening to these books, I realize that I must have looked quite the same while my mother was reading to me.

One of the most amazing things about being a mother is watching my son grow. I’m able to watch him learn new things every single day, listen to him laugh, see him smile, and have little ‘conversations’ with him. He grows a little every single day and I cannot begin to express how much I adore being able to watch him move through life and learn.

Reading 'Middlemarch' to Emmet

I hope he knows that I am doing everything that I can to ensure that has the wonderful childhood that I had. I want him to develop the same relationship with books as I have, because I truly feel that reading has changed my life in a positive way.

And if he’s willing to deal with me in the coming years (which unfortunately for him, he’s stuck with me ) we’re going to be reading a lot more in the years to come. Being a British Literature PhD student, we’re going to be reading quite a lot. We already started adventuring into the world of serious literature as it is.

I can’t wait to watch him continue to grow as I have over these past few months. I know that sometimes it will be impossible and sometimes he’ll drive me insane… but at the end of the day, I’ll always love him. And I hope that he finds the happiness I’ve found and that he’ll one day be reading the books of his childhood to his son or daughter.

But as I was wandering around WordPress today, I stumbled upon a post about re-reading books that really spoke to me.

But it’s also because I crave books the way I crave food.  A scene starts playing in my head, and I can’t help it—I have to devour the book it’s contained in….The people in books, however, never judge me, and are always reacting exactly the way I expect to situations.  They never disappoint me.  It’s a comfort to me that in this stressful and unpredictable world in which I struggle to survive, the characters in my books will always be true to me.

via Craving Comfort.

I have to admit, I am a re-reader… and for these exact reasons. I love going back to books that I’ve read and rediscovering the reasons I adored the book in the first place. I love checking in on my favorite characters and making sure that their storyline didn’t change in the time that we’be been apart. “Hey Dorothea, did you still decide to marry big dumb Casaubon? Yes?!” “Mr. Darcy, are you still going to be ridiculously rude for most of Pride and Prejudice?”

And I’m always pleased to find that the characters in my books aren’t changing. Their lives are still the same, their decisions are still the same, and the outcomes are still the same. Which is, of course, in stark contrast to my life. Real life is always changing and I find refuge in books from the rapidly changing world around me.

When people ask me why I wanted to be an English major, why I want to go to graduate school, why I’m so DAMN interested in literature, and why I want to basically spend the rest of my life working with books, this is what I struggle to say. I feel more myself when I’m reading. Every character that I’ve ever read reflects a part of me, reveals a part of me to MYSELF… and I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am if I hadn’t encountered the characters that I have.